Brandon Heys' Brocast Derailment

Shawn: [While pouring drinks] "FPX, you were mentioning the American education system, expressing some skepticism regarding its quality. What exactly were you referring to?"

Brandon: "Hold on! I'm not done trash-talking sports yet, okay?"

Shawn: "Of course you're not. How could I assume that calling UFC fighters gay was sufficiently offensive? My bad."

Brandon: "Apology accepted."

Al: "The real question is – are all sports equally gay?"

Brandon: "Absolutely not. UFC is easily the gayest. Its entire premise boils down to this: I'll let you rub your crotch in my face if you can prove you're stronger than me. If you can't, I'll beat the shit out of you and then rub my crotch in your face. Either way, someone's sniffing balls. And to make sure no one escapes their inevitable teabagging, they fight in a cage."

FPX: "What about football?"

Brandon: "I don't think I've ever watched an entire match, but from what I've seen – also pretty gay. I'll run with this ball and if you're fast enough to catch me, you and your teammates can dry-hump me until you come into your plastic cup. I can only speculate, but I assume the team that ends up with the most cum in their protective gear wins."

FPX: "What about basketball?"

Brandon: "Glad you asked. Although not as gay as UFC or football, still ranks quite high. It involves a lot of running to ensure that every player gets really sweaty. Then, at random intervals, they gather under one of the two baskets to rub their bodies against each other and grope their opponent's nuts. After the game, the two teams head to the locker room, where the real action happens – humiliation rituals for the losers, wild homoerotic orgies for the winners."

Shawn: "How about skiing?"

Brandon: "I don't think skiing even qualifies as a sport – does it? You get dragged up a hill and then slide down frozen water with plastic boards strapped to your feet. That's not a sport, that's a way to waste time. At best. Probably invented by some inbred mountain folk who've never encountered a book or art in general. I doubt skiers are even aware of the concept of homosexuality. So if it were a sport, it might be the least gay. But since it's not, it's just something illiterate morons do."

Al: "What about bowling? Is that a sport? And if so, how gay is it?"

Brandon: "Bowling is definitely a sport – created by people who lack the athleticism for actual sports. Now, as for its gayness: the entire game revolves around knocking down phallic-shaped objects with balls. So, its symbolism alone is very gay."

Al: "Okay, but is it actually gay? There isn't much physical interaction among the players. I guess that disqualifies it as being gay."

Brandon: "Not at all. As I said, it was invented by people who have strong homosexual urges but are too lazy to do actual sports. That's why the restrooms in these bowling alleys are of special importance. The players meet there to stick their wieners through gloryholes in order to get their nobs polished. The stall walls of the restroom, with their cutouts, allow for mutual oral service, without having to fully see the other guy's out-of-shape body. Quite a genius system, actually."

Al: "Similar to golf I guess."

Brandon: "Absolutely correct. Golf has the same premise. It's just for people with more money. And instead of restrooms, golfers meet in fancy country clubs."

Al: "What about baseball?"

Brandon: "Although it is a sport, it has a different origin. It wasn't invented by homosexuals looking to meet other men. It was invented as a cover-up – as an excuse for a massive muscle disparity between the dominant arm and the non-dominant arm. Players would claim that imbalance comes from the one-sided nature of swinging and throwing, when in reality, it's from compulsive masturbation. So baseball isn't inherently gay or straight – it's just a sport for chronic wankers."

FPX: "Okay, what's the least gay sport then?"

Brandon: "Mhmm, the least gay sport is probably tennis. Players meet on a court, separated by a net. There's no physical contact among the players and they have individual locker rooms. Its homoerotic aspects are limited to vision and sound. Players are only allowed to admire their opponent's physique from afar while making loud, suggestive grunting noises."

Al: "They also often have very muscular dominant arms, though."

Brandon: "Yes, good point. So, one could say they are stimulating themselves visually during the game in order to rub one out directly afterward in the shower. So, actually, also quite gay."

Shawn: "Okay, if doing sports is just a way to channel repressed homoerotic desires, why do millions of people watch sports events like the Super Bowl? How do they fit into your theory?"

Brandon: "Ah, yes, the viewers – thank you, I almost forgot about them. The fact that watching sports is overwhelmingly popular among straight men only strengthens my argument. Gay people don't need to watch sweaty men chase a ball to pacify their homoerotic urges; they simply suck another man's dick if they feel like it."

Shawn: "So, hetero men are watching sports to see well-trained men chase each other around?"

Brandon: "It would be an oversimplification if I said that's the only reason. There are plenty of reasons why men watch sports. Imagine you're just an average guy – meaningless job, ridiculously high mortgage, stuck in suburban family life. Sports give you a chance to be part of something exciting, something outside of your routine. The sports industry works hard to give simple-minded folks the illusion that events like the Super Bowl are actually meaningful. And when your team wins, you finally get to experience what success feels like – without having to do anything for it."

Shawn: "So, basically, an escape from the dullness of regular life?"

Brandon: "Yes, but it's more than just that. You can also identify with any of the handsome men on TV. For example, if you're secretly a bottom gay, you can fantasize about getting gang-tackled by a bunch of 300-pound studs. Conversely, if you're more of a top gay, you might identify with one of the linebackers, dry-humping the shit out of one of the rather twinkish men on the field."

Shawn: "And the cheerleaders? What's their deal if everyone is secretly gay?"

Brandon: "Isn't that obvious? Pretty girls in tight outfits serve as a visual excuse to convince everyone else involved that they themselves are not gay at all! [Imitating gay accent] I am aroused because of the sexy women, not because I want these Black giants to crush me between their manly thighs."

Al: "To sum it up – sports and everything related to it is pretty gay."

Shawn: "Which, I'd like to add, isn't a bad thing."

Brandon: "It's just sad that people have to come up with all these elaborate cover-ups instead of just admitting they'd like to explore another man's groin area."

Al: "We are not homophobic. Just to be clear."

Brandon: "Not in the least! Not only are we not homophobic, we are actually very gay-friendly. This podcast basically works on a strict pro homo basis." [Laughing]

Al: "It's okay to be gay!"

FPX: [Shaking his head]